God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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