Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
