Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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