Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
