I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
All I want is dick and wine.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
