sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
