I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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