smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
