I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
