Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I think I have vodka in my lungs
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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