i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
i drank out of a bidet.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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