Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
