my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Vodka?
Forever.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
