Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
