i just wanna soil my oats bro
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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