so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
