i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
