i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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