I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I wish you could order shots online.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
