no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
