you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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