Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
