i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
