also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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