Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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