your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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