she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
