the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
