ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
