hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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