Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
