Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
