I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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