you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
