I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
