she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
No more Irish car bombs ever.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
