dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
