Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
