He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
