I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
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