Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
operation have a gay friend backfired
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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