I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
