She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
