what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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