just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
