You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
