Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
