I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the condom got lost in my hair
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
