someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Less talking, more tequila
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week đ
You are the jesus of drinking
I swear to God if you start calling your dick âmy pegasusâ weâre not friends anymore
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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