sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
