i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I love having hate sex.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
