Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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