Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
