A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
