it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
